Life and Times of the Truly Loyal

The Inevitabilities of Dating

2009-02-06T05:43:00.001-08:00

Hello all!!! Greetings and salutations to all who may be reading, and hopefully enjoying, this entry. I just felt the need to write this morning after talking to a few of my friends about their recent dating escapades. I guess I'm just curious as to what goes on in people's minds. So this morning I have a few questions I'd like to discuss...

1. Is deceit an inevitable player in the dating game?
2. Why do we choose not to believe people when they show us how they feel with their actions?
3. How can you protect yourself while being open to the possibilities?

Personally speaking, I have to say I hate dating. I honestly don't know how to do it. I'm finally able to admit that, lol. My friends will tell you, I'm good at being in a relationship and I feel most comfortable when I'm in one. But there's a reason for that. I don't like the uncertainty that comes along with the dating process. It seems to me that people inevitably try to deceive the person their "just dating" for whatever reason. I am a person who tries to get everything out in the open. I like to lay the cards on the table so the other person knows what they're getting into and vice versa. I have no time for game-playing or game-players. But when dating, it seems that that's all people want to do...

I guess I just don't understand why people feel the need to misrepresent themselves, their feelings, or their intentions. I mean if you're honest from jump street, you'll have a lot less headaches to deal with later. But people never seem to understand that when dating. Somebody always feels they have to have the upper hand in things which leads to nothing but problems, of course. I just don't get it. If all you want is a cuddy buddy...let that be known. I'm sure there's a lot of females out there who would definately be down for that. If you just want to chill out with somebody but you're not ready for a relationship, get that clear from the beginning so that nobody's confused about where things are going (I made sure I did this with my man-friend...he may be the only guy I'm dealing with but I'm definitely not ready to call him my man). Honesty can be hard to pull off at times, I won't front, but when you put it into practice it pays off in the long run.

For that matter, when people show us their true character, why do we choose to try to figure out excuses for why they behaved in that manner? People say that when a person shows you their true colors, who they really are, save yourself some trouble and heartache and believe them. But for some reason this is the hardest thing in the world for people to do, especially people who are women. We seem to like a challenge more than we like to be treated right. If somebody is showing they're not interested by a lack of communication, consideration, or pursuit in general...don't try to justify or explain away their behavior. Sometimes you have to take people at face value and go on about your business in order to keep your heart and sanity in tact.

But protecting yourself from undue pain does not mean that you cut yourself off from too quickly from a possible romantic candidate. I have a few friends who have this Zero Tolerance thing when it comes to most guys. They meet a dude, talk to him a little, start liking him and thinking what it could turn into. Sadly, that guy inevitably does something to offend them and he's subsequently kicked to the curb. What's funny to me is the fact that they put this Zero Tolerance policy into effect typically when dealing with dudes that don't really have them LIKE THAT. The guys that they really like, on the other hand, they give all the chances in the world. These guys can give pretty clear indicators that they're not as interested as my friends may be, but it doesn't matter. They opn themselves up to these guys thinking that they're being open to the positive possibilities that may result. Sadly, they wind up opening themselves up for heartache as well.

There's no way around the possibility that you will be hurt when opening yourself up to someone new. That's just life and there's no way to protect oneself from romantic pain excluding the ending of one's life. The only thing we can do is be as honest as possible and hope for the same in return. On top of that we have to take what people show us as the truth. We can't invent a truth just so we can sleep at night and feel better about ourselves. Life is what it is and nothing more. It's time we start dealing with things as they really are. When we do that, we'll be able to deal with heartache, if not protect ourselves from it.

Valentine's Day is coming up and I'll definitely be writing more. Until then, all you lovers out there better keep hope alive. I know I am!!!! LOL.

Blessings
XOXOXOX.......;-)

Change: a noun and a verb

2009-01-27T21:37:00.000-08:00

So as I've mentioned before I currently work in the field of education. I'm not a teacher yet but I figure being a teacher aide will be good training for when I actually do get there.

As I was saying...I work in a special education classroom with 11 students and 2 other adults. Some of my students present some major behavoir problems that can make the learning process difficult for everybody involved, the teachers and the other students. As a result of these behavior problems, as well as the inability of the other adults in the room to interact with the students without sarcasm or antagonistic remarks, my job can be very very stressful at times. I often come home feeling drained both physically and emotionally and questioning if my desire to teach should be re-reexamined. Teaching, in any capacity, is not an easy job. It requires dedication from both the teacher and the student and sometimes I feel like the adults I work with and the kids just don't care enough to make it work. It sucks even more, to be quite blunt, because it is not my classroom. I don't have final say over most things, so my hands are tied in most situations. It's never good to feel unable to cause positive change in a situation that is clearly not doing well in its current form. So for the past few days I've been dreading going to work and looking for a new job. To be honest, I was starting to give up on this classroom...until today.

As I said, teaching is not an easy job. Today served as a reminder of why I want to work in this field. Don't get me wrong, there was no miracle that somehow made the kids remember how to act correctly or taught the teachers how to talk to the kids appropriately. The simplest thing refreshed my spirit and left me looking forward to tomorrow. Here's what happened...

It was a regular day today but towards the end I took the time to talk to one of the girls in the classroom about her behavior. This particular child can be the sweetest little girl in the world but then, in an instant, she'll be cursing somebody out, rolling her eyes at you, and talking back just as big and bold as a little demon. It's all because she wants attention so she resorts to trying to get it through negative behaviors. I was sitting with my arm on her shoulder and at first she tried to act as if I was bothering her by showing affection. As we talked and I explained to her that I am always there if she needs a hug or someone to talk to or just a little TLC she started to loosen up and feeel more comfortable talking to me. I told her that she's too smart a girl to let her school work suffer because of her actions and she's too pretty to act so ugly all the time. We talked about making and keeping friends and a little bit about good personal hygiene (she has a problem with under arm odor and some of the kids pick on her for it so I'm bringing deoderant and a washcloth to school for if her antiperspirant wears off from now on). She seemed to be very receptive during our conversation.

It was time for dismissal and I gave her a hug. As the other students were getting ready to go, I gave them all a hug as well along with a little reminder to come to school with a good attitude tomorrow. As I made my way to the door with my line of students who ride the bus, my little friend was standing behind me and tapped me on the shoulder. I turned around and saw her standing there with her little arms wide open. She gave me a big old bear hug and layed her little head on my shoulder as I got my kids together to leave the classroom. Right before I left, she got on her tippy toes and whispered in my ear, "Thanks for acting like you care about me today. It was nice." I whispered back to her, "I wasn't acting, sweetie. Be good, get some rest tonight, and make it a better day tomorrow. OK?" She nodded and hugged me again as I walked out of the classroom.

It's funny how you can feel so good but so bad at the same time. I'm glad something as simple as taking the time to talk to her had some affect. However, I can't help but feel troubled at the idea that nobody else in her life does anything as simple as that for her as well. It's amazing how little some children receive as far as emotional support. These children come to school at a disadvantage because of whatever crap they've dealt with at home the night before or even that morning. Today reminded me that, even tho it is truly very difficult, I can have some positive impact on the lives of the children I encounter if I keep trying. The task is not impossible. I'm looking forward to going to work tomorrow morning. I'll be tired since I'm up at 1:24 in the morning writing this blog entry and I have to wake up in about 5 hours, but I'm still convinced it'll be a good day. I'm not naive enough to think that this minor breakthrough I had with this little girl will be enough to cause a lasting 180 degree shift in her behavior but I do believe that the seed has been planted. I'm gonna keep working on these kids so I can see them grow as much as possible. I'm excited about the possibilities before me.

Today I remembered that change is not just a noun but a verb as well. My students taught me that and I'm thankful for the renewal.

Until next time... Live righteously, Laugh freely, and Love hard

Blessings...;-)

Resolving not to make resolutions: happiness in 09'

2009-01-22T05:36:00.000-08:00

So...with the start of 2009, I've been doing some thinking. In the past I've sat down and made countless lists of resolutions that I swore to myself I would keep (later proving myself to be quite an eloquent liar since I never seem to keep them up, lol) but not this year. This year is different for me. I've decided that I'm not gonna write out or even say some lame New Year's Resolutions like "I'm gonna lose weight," (even tho I want to) or "I'm gonna go back to school," since that's in my plan for next year anyway. This year I've decided that the only thing I will commit to is trying to increase my happiness in the upcoming year.

Now, please understand, that's no resolution. This is not something that I'm saying just because it's a new year. This is something I've been thinking about for some months now. To be more exact, I've been thinking about this since my last birthday on August 21, 2008. I've come to the realization, as I watch my sister prepare for motherhood and hear about friends taking the plunge into married life, that I am in the prime of my life and I sure as hell better start enjoying it. Anybody who knows me can tell you that I am a fun-loving, silly, caring, open-minded, straight up goofy individual. I am hugely curious by nature and there's so much that I would love to do...but haven't yet for one reason or another. I'm tired of that. I guess I just want to live more freely now without as much worry about what people (mainly my mother and and other judgmental family members) will think. I wanna challenge myself this year in whatever way I see fit.

I'm looking at this year as a year of increase. I just wanna be happy in the life I have right now. I think I'm right where I need to be right now. I know I still have to go through and understand some things before I get to where I wanna be but, he, who doesn't. I'm content. You could even say I'm kinda happy. My aim is to be happier.

What about you?

Until next time...XOXOX!!!!

Does the nice guy have to finish last?

2009-01-21T17:36:00.000-08:00

A while ago, I wrote out some of the thoughts that had been tumbling around in my mind. A few of them centered around relationships, both past and present. I guess you can say that I'm in a period of limbo right now. I'm single, free and clear, but I find myself dating one person in particular. I never really did know how to juggle dealing with multiple people at one point in time. I have the freedom to do whatever I like with whomever I like but I choose not to. I"ve been spending a lot of time with this one guy, J. But I don't know where I should go with it. I'll put it this way, I feel like I'm caught in limbo. I'm treading water in the space between rebounding and settling. I don't think I'd be rebounding if I got with this guy but I don't think I'd be totally happy if I got with him right now either. Let me explain...

This whole transition period has been kinda tough for me. It's been about 4 or 5 months since my last relationship fell apart. I was trying to chill out and just play it cool and then this guy comes along. Don't get me wrong, he wasn't the first or the only guy who approached me after I became single again. However, he is the only guy that I gave my number to and actually followed through by accepting calls and occassionally calling myself. To be honest I really wasn't expecting anything to come of it. I thought he'd be a cool dude to maybe get up with every now and again to ease that desire for company of the opposite sex. Like I said, I was just trying to play it cool and chill out. It was easy to feel a little more comfortable with him tho since he grew up with one of my best friends so I guess I kinda looked at him as if he were "safe." Let me explain...

This guy is like one of the best dudes I could ever meet. He's the kind of guy who you think is cute but not necessarily sexy when you first meet him. He's the most respectful guy in the world. He takes his time...FOR REAL. I wasn't used to that. He's majorly sweet and attentive. He wants to spend the time to get to know you as a person before going any further. He's just like the nicest guy in the world... He's the guy that most females think is too nice and wind up tossing aside because the spark just isn't there like it is with the bad boys or the jerks they've been with before. So when I say "safe, " I mean that he's the type of guy that I knew wouldn't hurt me because I probably wouldn't get so wrapped up into him. Sad, but very true sentiments. Back to the story...

So I've been blessed to meet this great guy who seems to really care about me and you have no idea how great that feels. But I have to admit, even tho it makes me feel like a terrible person, sometimes I think I'm falling prey to the mistake that so many girls make: I said I wanted to meet a nice guy, but now that I have I don't know if I like him enough...sometimes I think he's too nice. How retarded is that?

I never thought I was one of those girls who wasn't happy unless they were struggling in a relationship, you know. The last relationship I had was nothing but uncertainty for me. It was a constant struggle trying to figure out where the guy's head was concerning me. With this dude, I know for a fact how he feels. There's no games and really no need for them. He's just honest and upfront about his feelings. But every once in a while I think about how I've felt for people in the past during these beginning phases and, sadly, it's not the same. But I don't understand why. I mean spending time with this dude has made me see how little I expected and demanded in my last relationship. I mean I gave all I had and got maybe 60% or less in return during the good times. I expected only like 45% tho. I know now that my low expectations were a major factor in why things fell apart with him and I. This dude made me realize how sad that is. This dude made me realize that I want more. But what I really wanna know is, "Why am I not sure that I want more with him?" Don't get me wrong, I care about the guy and I love spending time with him but I don't know if I care enough. I never want to make anybody feel like I felt in my past. So let me know your thoughts.

I'm curious to hear the male and female perspective on this one so feel free to comment and leave your 2-cents.

Looking forward in 09'. Until next time...

Jumbled

2008-11-16T11:00:00.000-08:00

Salutations and good greetings to one and all.....let me stop, lol. I guess you could say I'm in somewhat of a silly mood today. I just made it to work and I decided I'd write a little something-something. Nothing major but I've been slacking on my posting and my fingers have been missing this keyboard oh so much. So today, I'm just gonna give you a sampling of the thoughts running through my head. Enjoy, my little bloggers and bloggettes!!!

**Can't wait til tomorrow cuz my bestie is coming into town!!!

**I'm so happy I decided to really do this natural thing. Experimentation can be good or the soul.

**It's funny. When you supposedly want to be single, men come out of the woodwoork trying to wife you up.

**Sometimes I wonder if I wanna be single as much as I need to be single...hmmm.

**A purpose driven life...I need to catch up on my reading and discussing.

**Surprise, surprise...I got a phone call from Mr. MIA. I guess he does still remember who I am. Well, he should after 2 years, lol.

**Traveling sounds good right about now. Maybe some place warm.

**I need to take my behind to church.

**I think I need some Me-time but it's hard cuz I like spending time with him and he looks at me like I always wanted the one before him to.

**It's time to start writing again: poetry, short stories, and the start of my novel.

**It's time to be more assertive. I'm gonna go out and get what I want.

That's just a few of the things floating around in this brain of mine. I'll be expanding on these topics shortly so stay tuned and stay blessed.

Until next time... Muahz!!

A Short Thank You: You didn't have to but you did

2008-11-04T08:27:00.000-08:00

Well, I just had to take a quick minute to send a loving shout out of praise to the wonderful people in my life who have always made it their business to love me by telling me when I'm right, wrong, backsliding, lying to myself and/others, tripping, denying the truth that may be staring me in the face, being naive, being pessimistic, asking too many damn questions, being too sensitive, thinking too much, dwelling on shyt, and accepting less than what I should of myself or the people I allow into my life.

I just wanna tell you guys, and youall know who you are, that I love you. You didn't have to do it but you did. That swift kick in the ass you guys have given me when I was either thinking too much or not enough has always been all I've needed to bring me back to reality as opposed to the doom and gloom or roses and sweets of the unexamined world I was choosing to live in at the time. The you guys tell me to "Shut up already!!" when I'm asking dumb questions or being too hard on myself is greatly appreciated then, now, and always.

You guys know my strengths and my weaknesses. You know how I will react to certain things and you respond accordingly out sheer "We got ya back" mentalities. You guys are great. Sometimes I say you're mean for keeping it oh so real with me when I don't wanna hear it. Sometimes I get smart or unnaturally quiet. But I always appreciate "the real" that you guys offer without any alterior motives, moans, or groans. I love you guys. You didn't have to take the time to listen or to set me straight when the need arises, but you did. Miss Mangorene, Mz. Queen, and Mr. Maxwell A.K.A. SirReal, to name a few, you guys rock. Thank you for being there when needed and there when just wanted. Friends, real friends that is, are special and rare. I'm holding onto ya'll. Besides, who feels like breaking in new ones.

;-)

Hope and Inspiration

2008-11-04T06:23:00.000-08:00

As soon as I woke up this morning I couldn't get this particular song out of my head. John Legend has a song on his newest cd entitled "If You're Out There." It's a beautiful song. Ever since I heard it a couple of days ago I've felt like it was the anthem of this election, this year. The song talks about a generation of people who have been looking for something to believe in, something to stand for and he urges them that the fight is here, "if you're out there."

I am a huge fan of John Legend already. I love the versatility and depth that he displays in his voice. But I've gained a deeper respect for the artist. He along with many others have taken the opportunity that their fame has given them, to inspire the nation's youth and anyone else who wants to listen, to go out and vote. They're using their influence, not necessarily to sway voters to favor Mr. Barack Obama but to make them realize that a voice unheard is a voice wasted. It's amazing how many people have been inspired, on both sides of the political spectrum, through this year's presidential race. It's a blessing in and of itself to see people taking advantage of their rights as they haven't in the past and getting involved with their communities. It's wonderful to see people caring about more than just their own personal little worlds, but this nation as a whole.

It's kind of silly but I feel kinda emotional today. I was talking to my sister last night about the fact that there is a Black man who may be our next president. I'm almost in disbelief. I always thought that this would be the type of thing that I might witness on my deathbed or something. It just seemed like something that was so far off in the distance I could barely fathom it. But today on November 4, 2008 that notion is real. That possibility is damn near tangible it's so strong. Our present, on this day, will be talked about in the history books of high school students in years to come. We're all apart of it too. I'm out there ready to pitch in and I'm starting by voting today. Hope everybody else does too, "f you're out there."

Yes We Can!!!!!

Rude Awakenings...

2008-10-28T04:59:00.001-07:00

It's amazing how well you can think you know a person and then be so utterly surprised by their actions. Over this past weekend I came to the conclusion that somebody needs to write a guidebook about how to act around your ex given specific time frames. It's become clear to me that some people are clueless about boundaries and respect. As a result of this special brand of cluelessness, friendships and fond feelings in general can easily be lost.

Maybe some would disagree with me, but I'm not a jealous person. I pride myself on the fact that, while I can be a a very emotional creature, I still know how to respect that reality of life situations I find myself in. Whether I'm immersed in booship (that inbetween stop that offers eclusivity but no official title, been there, done that) or navigating the waters of singledom and dating I know how to accept things simply for what they are even if I may wish for more. With that being said, I'll admit I was a little worried when I found out my ex would be coming into town and possibly attending the same function as myself. I didn't know how it would be to interact with him, face to face, nearly a month after ending our relationship. I didn't know if the friendship we had been trying to build, despite our romantic split would be natural and strong enough to not be vulnerable to the attacks of awkwardness that I feared. And I wondered if I was ready to see him at all, knowing that things were/are still so fresh for me. I put all of these thoughts away and decided to just chill, have a good time, and trust that I wouldn't make it weird since I knew he wouldn't make it weird. He and I even discussed my feelings a few days prior to his arrival and I felt fine. Looking back on it now, I see I was justified in my wonderings and possibly having my first psychic experience, lol.

As I said before, I'm not a jealous person and I know how to respect the boundaries of reality. I'm a firm believer in the saying, "It is what it is. It can't be anything else." So I know and understand that once a relationship is over, both parties are free to do whatever they choose with whomever they choose without having to answer to anybody, including and especially not their ex. However, I also believe in courtesy and mutual respect as well, if not moreso. Basically what I mean by that is, he can do him (as I'm sure he has been doning in his own city), but when you're around me please don't flaunt it this soon in the game. I didn't think I'd have to worry about that with this dude tho. I thought I knew him well enough to know that he would consider my feelings. After all, we are friends, right? Hmmmm....

Well, with everything that I've said, how would any of you feel if your ex came into town only a month after your break-up and posted up with one female for the whole night when his typical M.O. is to just chill and mingle? How would you all feel if while enjoying yourself and dancing you look up and find him grinding on this female as she stands with her back up against the wall? How would you feel if, as they stand directly under a spotlight, displayed for everyone to see, you notice that he's dancing with her the way he used to only dance with you, or so you thought? How would you all feel if he allowed her to lead him by the hand to the coatcheck and affectionately hold him while he got her jacket? How would you feel if he gave your mutual homegirl that was standing right by you a hug and then moved to walk away all together, not even acknowledging your existence? How would you feel if they left together, in your city only one month after it would've been you?

I don't know about you guys, but I felt disrespected. Like I said, he's free to do him. What I don't understand, what hurt is the fact that he felt the need or the desire to be so blatant about it. This is my city!! He doesn not live here. Why??!! I mean, if I ever doubted the love he still claims to have felt/feel, I definitely do now. Care doesn't just go away that easily. I know men and women are different in how they deal with things, but damn. There's not that much difference in the world to explain the 180 degree shift I witnessed in him that night. I was purely shocked. I never would've imagined he would act like that. Never. I've always prided myself on being a pretty even combination of a helpless romantic and a realist. I thought the helpless romantic in me would help me continue to believe in love without becoming jaded or bitter by the wrongs committed against me by my past or future lovers, while the realist in me would enable me to remain capable of seeing my lovers and my relationships as they truly are, without rose-colored glasses. I see now, that the helpless romantic in me overpowered the realist as related to this guy I once considered to be so special. I see now, he is just an average guy who I tried to cast in the role of a superman. It's hilarious but I actually used to call him my own personal superhero, nicknaming him Super Mir Man. What a joke.

I guess I just wonder how a person can become so detached from their supposedly deep and true feelings of love for another. On second thought, it doesn't make me wonder because I know that that's not possible. I know deep inside that the lack of care, respect, thought, or consideration of my feelings he displayed was the result of emotional disconnection from me that happened a loooooooonnngggg time ago. I know that now and it's funny to me. I mean, people never really recognize what they have in front of them. And even tho we're not together, I still look out for him. I will never talk bad about him because there's a reason why I loved/love him. Nobody knows the circumstances of our break-up besides a few very close friends of mine. I still wish him nothing but the best in life, for him to be truly happy. It's amazing what I get in return.

So Friday, October 24, 2008 marked the end of a friendship that spanned about 5 years, and a romantic encounter that lasted for almost 2. "...It was good seeing you and have a nice life. Ok, bye," are the words I left on his voicemail that night and I meant them. No relationship, whether friendly or romantic, can survive when the foundation is questionable. This past weekend called every experience, thought, and belief I've had about or heard from this man. I don't need that in my life. The lesson is learned.

It's Whatever...but it's really not

2008-10-20T08:00:00.000-07:00

I'm just wondering today.....

Is it possible to feel a number of emotions truly and simultaneously. I'm not talking about emotions that are often considered related to each other like happiness and excitement. I mean emotions that represent opposing sides of the spectrum of feelings. Can you love and hate at the exact same time, with the exact same intensity. Yesterday I thought that I had answered that question; my conclusion was a definite "Yes." Today, with clarity of mind and heart, I can say with conviction that that really isn't the case.

Yesterday I had an epiphany of sorts. I allowed myself to experience the range of emotions that I need to release due to the loss of something that I still hold dear. I've experienced break-ups before: 2 to be exact. But I've never been affected by them quite like this. Typically when I feel like I'm not satisfied with the end result of some endeavor of mine, but there's nothing I can do about it, I resort to this "It's whatever. Oh well," type of attitude. Unsuccessfully to anybody who knows me, I try to front like I don't care. I try to block myself off from my feelings so I don't appear stupid or foolish (my biggest fears) for being naked and vulnerable. This never works. My girl Queen recently called me on this practice, too.

It's amazing how complicated people can be. I am simultaneously a very guarded person who also wears her emotions on her sleeves. How is that possible? How can a person try so hard to protect themselves from judgment, yet, be so exposed to and defenseless against it? It's not healthy and it doesn't seem possible.

I'm realizing that the front I put up in everyday life is very much like the fake "I don't care" attitude I put up emotionally when I feel powerless and hurt. You can't care and not care at the same time just like you can't love and hate at the same time. One will always cancel out the other and usually one is just a front to ignore the other. For me, the positive will always cancel out the negative. I will always care even when I don't want to. I will always love even when I'm justified to hate. There will be anger. But in the end, that passes as the wound heals. But love...honest to goodness love...never goes away, it just changes as people grow and transform themselves. Hate and love cannot exist simultaneously. One will always triumph over the other. But when you finally find acceptance and forgiveness, of yourself and whoever else, there's no room for hate. It has no place.

I had an intensely emotional experience yesterday afternoon while talking to a dear friend of mine. All of a sudden I felt this overwhelming sense of sadness. It was so thick that I felt a little heavier than before. Then, as I talked about how I felt to my friend, my emotions turned to anger. They strengthened considerably. I stopped denying how stupid I felt. I stopped trying to convince myself that maybe he feels this way and that. Or maybe this is why that or this happened. I allowed myself to accept the fact that maybe I just wasn't enough. Strike that, maybe I'm not enough (present tense, since this is by no means the past). As much as I have to offer, as much as I gave, maybe it isn't enough . That hurt most of all. That defeated feeling that I hate above all else crept in and made me angrier. I felt shaken like never before and that shyt pissed me off. I felt foolish for even caring what he thinks or how he feels. "You guys are not together so get over it!! He has!!" I kept telling myself. Once again I tried to take that anger and use it as a barrier between me and my love, my care. I wanted to hate so that I wouldn't love. I wanted to say whatever so that the care would disappear. It doesn't work that way.

I broke down and cried the tears that had been building up in my chest, making it harder to breath easily and laugh with abandon. I cried openly, alone in my house on that sunny afternoon as the clouds outside emptied the same wetness as my eyes. I let it go and I accepted it.

My good friend told me that everybody goes through things like this. He said that it's a life lesson, growing pains. After he said that I told him to go fuck himself because I wasn't ready to have my pain generalized and lumped in with the rest of society. Now I understand. He's right. It's a lesson in how to deal with pain and heartache. It's teaching me how to be real with myself so I don't have to front for him or anybody else. It's making me stronger. My love will always be there. It's a non-refundable gift just like my care. But regardless, life goes on. I'm still me whether other people recognize it when I want them to or not. It's not whatever, but it is what it is and I'm all right with that.

Until next time...

To Date or Not to Date...Hmmm

2008-10-15T11:28:00.001-07:00

So this past weekend I decided to go out and have a good time with some friends and family of mine. We went out to a local spot but I wasn't feeling in my element. For one thing, I didn't like what I had on, I wasn't in the best of moods, and the club was kinda lacking in its offerings of the opposite sex. To say the least, the night started out kinda low. Thankfully tho, it got better as the night went on and I wound up really enjoying myself. I enjoyed myself so much that I considered doing something that I haven't done in like 2 years. I almost gave my number to somebody. OMG!!

As I've said in prior posts, I'm newly single. With that being said, I need you guys to understand my situation. I am a young woman who has lived a very sheltered life in many ways. Like I've said before my parents were very strict, yadda yadda yadda, so I didn't experience a lot of things growing up. But aside from that, I've lived a sheltered life as far as relationships are concerned as well. I mean, I've only had 3 real relationships in my life. The first lasted for about a year, the second lasted for almost 3 years, and I dealt with this last guy for almost 2 years. As you can see, I pretty much deal in extended terms, lol. After my 3 year relationship, I pretty much jumped right into the nex thing. To be honest, I've never really been by myself, for real for real, and grown. All of my adult life I've been attached to somebody. So this whole single thing is really weird to me. It's "a whole new world, a brand new place for me to see," as Jasmine from Aladin would say, lol. I'm not sure if I like it really.

So last Friday at the club, I was mixing, mingling, dancing, and all that good stuff and this brother comes up to me. He had a cool lil swagger too. I mean, I have a thing for men who exude confidence about themselves and this guy definitely did that. We were just chit-chatting and he bought me a drink (side-bar: I just now started having guys offer to buy me drinks. What's that about? So confused, but I'm glad I can keep my money in my pocket, lol). I was still talking to this dude because I was glad to find that he could hold his own and sometimes lead the conversation we were having. I mean we were discussing politics, the club scene, love and relationships, and life in general. It was a good conversation and it was fun too cuz Sade was in the mix being that I had been drinking a bit, lol.

I'll be honest, I was enjoying his company. I mean, everybody likes to have welcomed attention from the opposite sex and it had been a minute since I had that in person. But when he asked me for my phone number and if we could see each other again, I kinda froze. I've never been one to give out my number all willy nilly anywayand that's probably why I've only had 3 boyfriends. I just didn't know what to say. I mean, he seemed like a nice guy. He works as an engineer for Delphi. He had a healthy dose of swagger. He was intriguing and interesting in conversation and, to top it all off, he was attractive. But I couldn't take that step. Not just yet. I wound up not really saying anything. Luckily he understood what that meant so I didn't have to elaborate at all as to what my facial expression meant. We just continued talking and he made sure he gave me his card at the end of the night.

I'm not sure about this dating thing. I get my fair share of come-ons, cat-calls, "How you doing?" with a look up and down and a lick of the lips on a daily basis but I've always felt like that doesn't justify me giving someone access to my life. Like I said, I've never been with anybody who wasn't a friend of mine first. But how do you explore the dating scene with that type of mentality? That's what I'm wondering now.

I'm cautious to say the least. I guess it's because I know how I am once I open up to a man, romantically. Once you have me, you have me until you show me that you don't deserve me and what I have to offer. I love hard and well. So I don't let people in unless I feel URGED to. Call me stank or stuck up if you want to but a simple "How you doing? You got a man?" is not gonna get you anywhere with me. And this guy semed to understand that probably because he's older than most guys that approach me. But even tho, I enjoyed his company I still couldn't go there.

I don't know when you should start dating after a relationship ends. It's just a date, right? There's a lot of answers to that question. Some people would say that you should throw yourself into the dating game once you're single. A homeboy of mine reminded me of the saying that some women live "The Best way to get over one man is to get under another." Other people would say that you should be alone for a while so you can really get over your ex. Others might say that there's nothing wrong with dating as long s you're not trying to hop into a new relationship just like that. And still others would say that you date, have sex, start a new relationship, or whatever based on when you feel inclined to and not one second sooner or later. I like that last one. I guess I'll know when I wanna really start that journey. And when I do, I already have one number in my lil black book, lol.

Til then I'm handling business. Until next time...

Hate in 08'

2008-10-12T17:52:00.000-07:00

Now see, I don't know what the world is coming to. I am a bit upset right now tho. I was all excited this past Friday night because I finally got my Obama lawn sign to put up in front of my house. I proudly took time out of my busy day to carefully place the sign in the middle of my front lawn for all to see. My mom and I stood on the sidewalk staring at the simple sign and smiling for a few minutes and everything; we really had a moment, ya'll. So this afternoon my sister came over and the first thing out of her mouth, since she saw I was watching campaign coverage on CNN, was to ask if I had heard about how people were stealing Obama signs from people's yard and burning them. What the hell??!!!! Automatically I went outside to check our lawn and to my surprise, it was totally empty!! Our sign was gone. It was just as if it had never been there. >:-I

Now, I live in the town of Irondequoit in Rochester, NY. This area is known in these parts to be very white,very not anything else, and very proud of it. Given the reputation of the area, I wasn't surprised when driving down the street that I didn't see a lot of Obama support being displayed in my neighborhood (I didn't see much McCain support either for that matter so maybe the people in my area just don't vote, who knows). With that being said tho, I mean damn!! Can I live??!! It's ok to disagree. Everybody is entitled to their opinions. I may feel people are less than smart if they choose to support McCain and Palin but whatever, that's just me (and many others, lol). But to steal a sign off somebody else's property and possibly burn it....that's going a little far if you ask me.

Personally, I felt violated. Like somebody I didn't know had just covered their mouth while coughing and then put that same hand over mine right when I tried to voice my political loyalties. It was just plain old wrong and nasty. Those that know me can attest to the fact that I am by no means a fighter (violence is never the answer...except in physical self-defense is what my mama always told me) but this crap left me wanting to beat somebody down. I love Mr. Barack Obama! This is the year that history will be made. I refuse to let somebody who has no respect for me or my property silence me and my public voice.

Regardless if they stole my sign, I'm still voting. I'm getting another sign too. They can steal it if they want to but at least a few people will see it and maybe that will give them the push they need to support our future president. So I really could care less. I'm sorry ya'll, I just had to vent real quick. People are really crazy these days. I guess some things never truly change.

Get out and vote on November 4th. This is the year we can make a difference and try to stop the Hate in 08'.

Dueces!! :-)

From Friends to Lovers, yeah. But From Lovers to Friends? Hmmm...

2008-10-08T08:52:00.000-07:00

As a rule, for the most part, I have never entered into a romantic relationship with someone who wasn't my friend first. I've always required a connection beyond physical attraction and that initial intrigue associated with the beginning stages of liking somebody. With that being said, I can confidently say I am well acquainted with situations where friends become lovers. Interestingly, I'm now in a situation where lovers are trying to become friends, if that's even possible.

Let me clue you in real quick. Since I was in high school, I have never ended a relationship on a good note. Either I had hard feelings, or he did, or we both did, regardless, my relationahips have always ended badly. I mean, after time passes I've always been able to hold cordial conversations with these guys when I run into them on occasion but we've never really kept frequent contact. In other words, the friendships that my relationships were built on always seem to shrivel and die since neither party ever tried to maintain them. I'm realizing how immature and almost spiteful I've been in the past so I'm trying to respond differently in my current situation. But it's definitely hard.

Recently I was talking to a good friend of mine, one of the resident Divas in my life, about my recent entrance into the land of singledom, lol. I was commenting about how I had just realized how close I had let my ex get to me. It shocked me because, as I've said before, few people really get to know me. He's come the closest besides my bestfriend and immediate family. I was trying to handle the situation like I always do (pretty much cut off contact for at least a while), but for some reason it was really bothering me. I couldn't understand why I wanted to share a few things with him and nobody else, not even my best friend. My homegirl enlightened me a little bit after I shared this with her. She said "no relationship can compare to one between a man and a woman." I'm wondering if that's true.

My friend reasoned that when you're with someone romantically, like really with someone, you let them inside you in a way that a friend or a sibling can never penetrate. I think she may be onto something. When you really allow yourself to become involved with somebody, your relationship evolves. The intimacy between the two parties mixes and mingles with all aspects of the relationship, including the underlying friendship.

Now I've been in a few relationships (literally a few since my standing total is three when talking about real relationships, lol) and I've experienced love. But in the past I didn't exactly share myself like I could have. Like I said, I typically have a guard up with people. So it was easier for me to let those relationships go and say goodbye to the friendships as well. But the same was definitely not the case here. Interestingly enough, as much as I wanted to, I couldn't say goodbye to this friendship. So now I'm trying to be more mature about things and make the transition from lover to just friends...But is that really possible?

When you've fallen in love with someone and separated for whatever reason, that doesn't mean the feelings go away. You could go have sex with someone the next day or even hop into a relationship with someone else, but none of that means the love is gone. I mean, does it ever really go away after it's been truly felt? Honestly, I don't think so. I think it simply evolves or loses intensity. With that being said, how do you go about being just friends with someone who used to share your bed; the person who used to say "I love you" before getting off of the phone almost everytime you talked. Those three words still have the same meaning in my heart, but now they just don't get said. Oh well I guess.

It's just weird to me and, at times, it's hard. We're really trying to work on our friendship. Sometimes that strikes me as funny and, at others, scary. I alternate between wondering if keeping contact with him is healthy because it may hinder me in moving on, on the one hand. Then on the other, I wonder if keeping contact with him will truly close the door for us. I don't like either of those possibilities, honestly. I don't know what will happen but this is a unique journey for me and sadly there's no instruction manual on how to go about exploring this new territory. I'll keep you informed on what I find out tho.

Until next time...

Hopping in the Blender: night owl realizations

2008-10-06T09:22:00.000-07:00

Surprisingly, I went to bed last night and woke up this morning with the same feeling nudging at my gut: I just felt like writing and I'm loving it. Like I said, writing has always been a constant in my life. Whether it is journal writing, poetry, short stories or whatever else I've always had a passion for it. Believe me, one of these days you'll see my name on the binding of some book in Barnes & Noble. Authorship is definitely in my future. :-)

But anyways... So last night I played into my natural tendencies to be a night owl and stayed up kinda late. My head did not hit the pillow until close to 3:00 am. I just wasn't ready to call it a night. I don't know if any of you can relate to this but I'm one of those people whose mind is constantly buzzing. I'm always thinking about something throughout the day. Whether it has to do with what I have to do next for school, planning out the following day, or reflecting on past events in my life and wondering about the why and how of their unfoldings, my mind is always fully occupied. I'm not sure if this is a good or bad thing--most likely it's both depending on what I happen to be focusing on at the moment-- but that's just how I am. Take it or leave it, love it or hate it. So I find myself staying up later than I probably should just so I can give my mind enough time to power down and level out with my body. There's nothing like being tired in your body but wired in your mind, especially if you have to wake up early the next day.

Now, while I was chilling out and watching tv my mind just would not quiet down. I started thinking about all types of things, barely paying attention to what I was watching because I was so zoned out. It turns out that the movie I was watching was a kid's flick called "The Seeker: The Dark Rising." It was a pretty good movie too. You guys should check it out. A certain scene from the movie caught my attention tho. The main character was this teenage boy who just found out he's the last person who has the power to save the world from being enveloped in Darkness-- both metaphorically and literally. That's a major responsibility to have when you've just turned 14, lol. So this kid and his dad are having a discussion about the duality of life. The father is talking about how there are components of light and dark, good and bad, seen and unseen to everyone and everything in the universe. This whole idea was connected to physics but that's not my forte so I won't even go there.

Basically, the conversation really struck a nerve in me. I had been busy dissecting my life and the most recent happenings within it the whole time the movie had been on. While I've always subscribed to the belief that people and objects are never just one thing, I hadn't ever really applied the theory to myself. I mean don't get me wrong, I know I have many different roles in my life (daughter, sister, student, friend, etc.) but that's different, in my opinion, from the concept I was toying with last night. There's something interesting about the idea that there are dual sides of a person, the seen and unseen. I'm just starting to see the truth of it in myself.

All my life I have been concerned with how I'm viewed in society. Now, I'm sure most people feel similarly to a certain extent. I'm trying to care less. My closest friends always tell me that the initial vibe I give off is that I'm reserved, quiet, and kinda shy. Some have even gone as far as to say that I seemed stuck up and antisocial, lol. But after getting to know me-- after I let my guard down-- they saw that their initial impression of me was far from the truth.

Not many people get to meet the real me. Some see Whitney, the reserved, and somewhat serious good girl who kind of stays to herself. She was raised by some pretty strict parents so she lived a very sheltered life and is just now starting to spread her wings. Others have met Sade--two of my closest friends christened my "alterego" as such-- the adventurous, straight-talking, curious, open-minded, sensual woman who comes out to play when she feels like it. And still others (mainly the children I work with or watch) spend time with Ms. Bell (better known as Lula Bell, a childhood nickname that still follows me to this day) who loves musicals, read all the Harry Potter books and watched the movies up to now, and who still remembers the words to most of the songs from the version of Cinderella that Brandy starred in But only a handfull of people have come close to meeting all three of them, especially in a blended manner.

Well, I'm tired of caring about how people will perceive me based on which side they view at the time. So this blog is something like my starting point. I'm hopping in the blender ya'll!! Stay tuned!!

Bye Bye Virginity!...

2008-10-05T15:34:00.000-07:00

With these first few words I have officially lost my blogging virginity-- the cherry has been popped.

Let me stop, lol. I've been flirting with the idea of starting my own blog for about 2 or 3 years. My bestfriend was keepng up a blog of her own via a different site back then and currently uploads a video blog on youtube. She always told me how great it felt to release her thoughts and opinions into the universe. From that moment on I was intrigued.

I've been a writer all my life. Ever since I learned how to write a sentence that at least made sense to me, I've kept a journal. I've always found something so intoxicating and significant about documenting one's life. It doesn't matter how minute the details are that you choose to include, but being able to have something tangible from different periods of your life for yourself or your lineage to pick up and look back on is so powerful. Call me sentimental if you want ( you'd be correct if you did being that I have a memory box in my closet that houses mementos from various important event, periods, and people in my life, lol) but I firmly believe in the saying that "an unexamined life is a life not worth living," (Socrates).

So I have to admit, I'm excited about doing this. It's a step up from keeping my thoughts and opinions to myself, locked away in a book nobody knows about. So stay tuned for the next installment. I'll tell you little more about myself.

Until next time.