Change: a noun and a verb

So as I've mentioned before I currently work in the field of education. I'm not a teacher yet but I figure being a teacher aide will be good training for when I actually do get there.

As I was saying...I work in a special education classroom with 11 students and 2 other adults. Some of my students present some major behavoir problems that can make the learning process difficult for everybody involved, the teachers and the other students. As a result of these behavior problems, as well as the inability of the other adults in the room to interact with the students without sarcasm or antagonistic remarks, my job can be very very stressful at times. I often come home feeling drained both physically and emotionally and questioning if my desire to teach should be re-reexamined. Teaching, in any capacity, is not an easy job. It requires dedication from both the teacher and the student and sometimes I feel like the adults I work with and the kids just don't care enough to make it work. It sucks even more, to be quite blunt, because it is not my classroom. I don't have final say over most things, so my hands are tied in most situations. It's never good to feel unable to cause positive change in a situation that is clearly not doing well in its current form. So for the past few days I've been dreading going to work and looking for a new job. To be honest, I was starting to give up on this classroom...until today.

As I said, teaching is not an easy job. Today served as a reminder of why I want to work in this field. Don't get me wrong, there was no miracle that somehow made the kids remember how to act correctly or taught the teachers how to talk to the kids appropriately. The simplest thing refreshed my spirit and left me looking forward to tomorrow. Here's what happened...

It was a regular day today but towards the end I took the time to talk to one of the girls in the classroom about her behavior. This particular child can be the sweetest little girl in the world but then, in an instant, she'll be cursing somebody out, rolling her eyes at you, and talking back just as big and bold as a little demon. It's all because she wants attention so she resorts to trying to get it through negative behaviors. I was sitting with my arm on her shoulder and at first she tried to act as if I was bothering her by showing affection. As we talked and I explained to her that I am always there if she needs a hug or someone to talk to or just a little TLC she started to loosen up and feeel more comfortable talking to me. I told her that she's too smart a girl to let her school work suffer because of her actions and she's too pretty to act so ugly all the time. We talked about making and keeping friends and a little bit about good personal hygiene (she has a problem with under arm odor and some of the kids pick on her for it so I'm bringing deoderant and a washcloth to school for if her antiperspirant wears off from now on). She seemed to be very receptive during our conversation.

It was time for dismissal and I gave her a hug. As the other students were getting ready to go, I gave them all a hug as well along with a little reminder to come to school with a good attitude tomorrow. As I made my way to the door with my line of students who ride the bus, my little friend was standing behind me and tapped me on the shoulder. I turned around and saw her standing there with her little arms wide open. She gave me a big old bear hug and layed her little head on my shoulder as I got my kids together to leave the classroom. Right before I left, she got on her tippy toes and whispered in my ear, "Thanks for acting like you care about me today. It was nice." I whispered back to her, "I wasn't acting, sweetie. Be good, get some rest tonight, and make it a better day tomorrow. OK?" She nodded and hugged me again as I walked out of the classroom.

It's funny how you can feel so good but so bad at the same time. I'm glad something as simple as taking the time to talk to her had some affect. However, I can't help but feel troubled at the idea that nobody else in her life does anything as simple as that for her as well. It's amazing how little some children receive as far as emotional support. These children come to school at a disadvantage because of whatever crap they've dealt with at home the night before or even that morning. Today reminded me that, even tho it is truly very difficult, I can have some positive impact on the lives of the children I encounter if I keep trying. The task is not impossible. I'm looking forward to going to work tomorrow morning. I'll be tired since I'm up at 1:24 in the morning writing this blog entry and I have to wake up in about 5 hours, but I'm still convinced it'll be a good day. I'm not naive enough to think that this minor breakthrough I had with this little girl will be enough to cause a lasting 180 degree shift in her behavior but I do believe that the seed has been planted. I'm gonna keep working on these kids so I can see them grow as much as possible. I'm excited about the possibilities before me.

Today I remembered that change is not just a noun but a verb as well. My students taught me that and I'm thankful for the renewal.

Until next time... Live righteously, Laugh freely, and Love hard

Blessings...;-)

Resolving not to make resolutions: happiness in 09'

So...with the start of 2009, I've been doing some thinking. In the past I've sat down and made countless lists of resolutions that I swore to myself I would keep (later proving myself to be quite an eloquent liar since I never seem to keep them up, lol) but not this year. This year is different for me. I've decided that I'm not gonna write out or even say some lame New Year's Resolutions like "I'm gonna lose weight," (even tho I want to) or "I'm gonna go back to school," since that's in my plan for next year anyway. This year I've decided that the only thing I will commit to is trying to increase my happiness in the upcoming year.

Now, please understand, that's no resolution. This is not something that I'm saying just because it's a new year. This is something I've been thinking about for some months now. To be more exact, I've been thinking about this since my last birthday on August 21, 2008. I've come to the realization, as I watch my sister prepare for motherhood and hear about friends taking the plunge into married life, that I am in the prime of my life and I sure as hell better start enjoying it. Anybody who knows me can tell you that I am a fun-loving, silly, caring, open-minded, straight up goofy individual. I am hugely curious by nature and there's so much that I would love to do...but haven't yet for one reason or another. I'm tired of that. I guess I just want to live more freely now without as much worry about what people (mainly my mother and and other judgmental family members) will think. I wanna challenge myself this year in whatever way I see fit.

I'm looking at this year as a year of increase. I just wanna be happy in the life I have right now. I think I'm right where I need to be right now. I know I still have to go through and understand some things before I get to where I wanna be but, he, who doesn't. I'm content. You could even say I'm kinda happy. My aim is to be happier.

What about you?

Until next time...XOXOX!!!!

Does the nice guy have to finish last?

A while ago, I wrote out some of the thoughts that had been tumbling around in my mind. A few of them centered around relationships, both past and present. I guess you can say that I'm in a period of limbo right now. I'm single, free and clear, but I find myself dating one person in particular. I never really did know how to juggle dealing with multiple people at one point in time. I have the freedom to do whatever I like with whomever I like but I choose not to. I"ve been spending a lot of time with this one guy, J. But I don't know where I should go with it. I'll put it this way, I feel like I'm caught in limbo. I'm treading water in the space between rebounding and settling. I don't think I'd be rebounding if I got with this guy but I don't think I'd be totally happy if I got with him right now either. Let me explain...

This whole transition period has been kinda tough for me. It's been about 4 or 5 months since my last relationship fell apart. I was trying to chill out and just play it cool and then this guy comes along. Don't get me wrong, he wasn't the first or the only guy who approached me after I became single again. However, he is the only guy that I gave my number to and actually followed through by accepting calls and occassionally calling myself. To be honest I really wasn't expecting anything to come of it. I thought he'd be a cool dude to maybe get up with every now and again to ease that desire for company of the opposite sex. Like I said, I was just trying to play it cool and chill out. It was easy to feel a little more comfortable with him tho since he grew up with one of my best friends so I guess I kinda looked at him as if he were "safe." Let me explain...

This guy is like one of the best dudes I could ever meet. He's the kind of guy who you think is cute but not necessarily sexy when you first meet him. He's the most respectful guy in the world. He takes his time...FOR REAL. I wasn't used to that. He's majorly sweet and attentive. He wants to spend the time to get to know you as a person before going any further. He's just like the nicest guy in the world... He's the guy that most females think is too nice and wind up tossing aside because the spark just isn't there like it is with the bad boys or the jerks they've been with before. So when I say "safe, " I mean that he's the type of guy that I knew wouldn't hurt me because I probably wouldn't get so wrapped up into him. Sad, but very true sentiments. Back to the story...

So I've been blessed to meet this great guy who seems to really care about me and you have no idea how great that feels. But I have to admit, even tho it makes me feel like a terrible person, sometimes I think I'm falling prey to the mistake that so many girls make: I said I wanted to meet a nice guy, but now that I have I don't know if I like him enough...sometimes I think he's too nice. How retarded is that?

I never thought I was one of those girls who wasn't happy unless they were struggling in a relationship, you know. The last relationship I had was nothing but uncertainty for me. It was a constant struggle trying to figure out where the guy's head was concerning me. With this dude, I know for a fact how he feels. There's no games and really no need for them. He's just honest and upfront about his feelings. But every once in a while I think about how I've felt for people in the past during these beginning phases and, sadly, it's not the same. But I don't understand why. I mean spending time with this dude has made me see how little I expected and demanded in my last relationship. I mean I gave all I had and got maybe 60% or less in return during the good times. I expected only like 45% tho. I know now that my low expectations were a major factor in why things fell apart with him and I. This dude made me realize how sad that is. This dude made me realize that I want more. But what I really wanna know is, "Why am I not sure that I want more with him?" Don't get me wrong, I care about the guy and I love spending time with him but I don't know if I care enough. I never want to make anybody feel like I felt in my past. So let me know your thoughts.

I'm curious to hear the male and female perspective on this one so feel free to comment and leave your 2-cents.

Looking forward in 09'. Until next time...