Change: a noun and a verb

So as I've mentioned before I currently work in the field of education. I'm not a teacher yet but I figure being a teacher aide will be good training for when I actually do get there.

As I was saying...I work in a special education classroom with 11 students and 2 other adults. Some of my students present some major behavoir problems that can make the learning process difficult for everybody involved, the teachers and the other students. As a result of these behavior problems, as well as the inability of the other adults in the room to interact with the students without sarcasm or antagonistic remarks, my job can be very very stressful at times. I often come home feeling drained both physically and emotionally and questioning if my desire to teach should be re-reexamined. Teaching, in any capacity, is not an easy job. It requires dedication from both the teacher and the student and sometimes I feel like the adults I work with and the kids just don't care enough to make it work. It sucks even more, to be quite blunt, because it is not my classroom. I don't have final say over most things, so my hands are tied in most situations. It's never good to feel unable to cause positive change in a situation that is clearly not doing well in its current form. So for the past few days I've been dreading going to work and looking for a new job. To be honest, I was starting to give up on this classroom...until today.

As I said, teaching is not an easy job. Today served as a reminder of why I want to work in this field. Don't get me wrong, there was no miracle that somehow made the kids remember how to act correctly or taught the teachers how to talk to the kids appropriately. The simplest thing refreshed my spirit and left me looking forward to tomorrow. Here's what happened...

It was a regular day today but towards the end I took the time to talk to one of the girls in the classroom about her behavior. This particular child can be the sweetest little girl in the world but then, in an instant, she'll be cursing somebody out, rolling her eyes at you, and talking back just as big and bold as a little demon. It's all because she wants attention so she resorts to trying to get it through negative behaviors. I was sitting with my arm on her shoulder and at first she tried to act as if I was bothering her by showing affection. As we talked and I explained to her that I am always there if she needs a hug or someone to talk to or just a little TLC she started to loosen up and feeel more comfortable talking to me. I told her that she's too smart a girl to let her school work suffer because of her actions and she's too pretty to act so ugly all the time. We talked about making and keeping friends and a little bit about good personal hygiene (she has a problem with under arm odor and some of the kids pick on her for it so I'm bringing deoderant and a washcloth to school for if her antiperspirant wears off from now on). She seemed to be very receptive during our conversation.

It was time for dismissal and I gave her a hug. As the other students were getting ready to go, I gave them all a hug as well along with a little reminder to come to school with a good attitude tomorrow. As I made my way to the door with my line of students who ride the bus, my little friend was standing behind me and tapped me on the shoulder. I turned around and saw her standing there with her little arms wide open. She gave me a big old bear hug and layed her little head on my shoulder as I got my kids together to leave the classroom. Right before I left, she got on her tippy toes and whispered in my ear, "Thanks for acting like you care about me today. It was nice." I whispered back to her, "I wasn't acting, sweetie. Be good, get some rest tonight, and make it a better day tomorrow. OK?" She nodded and hugged me again as I walked out of the classroom.

It's funny how you can feel so good but so bad at the same time. I'm glad something as simple as taking the time to talk to her had some affect. However, I can't help but feel troubled at the idea that nobody else in her life does anything as simple as that for her as well. It's amazing how little some children receive as far as emotional support. These children come to school at a disadvantage because of whatever crap they've dealt with at home the night before or even that morning. Today reminded me that, even tho it is truly very difficult, I can have some positive impact on the lives of the children I encounter if I keep trying. The task is not impossible. I'm looking forward to going to work tomorrow morning. I'll be tired since I'm up at 1:24 in the morning writing this blog entry and I have to wake up in about 5 hours, but I'm still convinced it'll be a good day. I'm not naive enough to think that this minor breakthrough I had with this little girl will be enough to cause a lasting 180 degree shift in her behavior but I do believe that the seed has been planted. I'm gonna keep working on these kids so I can see them grow as much as possible. I'm excited about the possibilities before me.

Today I remembered that change is not just a noun but a verb as well. My students taught me that and I'm thankful for the renewal.

Until next time... Live righteously, Laugh freely, and Love hard

Blessings...;-)

Resolving not to make resolutions: happiness in 09'

So...with the start of 2009, I've been doing some thinking. In the past I've sat down and made countless lists of resolutions that I swore to myself I would keep (later proving myself to be quite an eloquent liar since I never seem to keep them up, lol) but not this year. This year is different for me. I've decided that I'm not gonna write out or even say some lame New Year's Resolutions like "I'm gonna lose weight," (even tho I want to) or "I'm gonna go back to school," since that's in my plan for next year anyway. This year I've decided that the only thing I will commit to is trying to increase my happiness in the upcoming year.

Now, please understand, that's no resolution. This is not something that I'm saying just because it's a new year. This is something I've been thinking about for some months now. To be more exact, I've been thinking about this since my last birthday on August 21, 2008. I've come to the realization, as I watch my sister prepare for motherhood and hear about friends taking the plunge into married life, that I am in the prime of my life and I sure as hell better start enjoying it. Anybody who knows me can tell you that I am a fun-loving, silly, caring, open-minded, straight up goofy individual. I am hugely curious by nature and there's so much that I would love to do...but haven't yet for one reason or another. I'm tired of that. I guess I just want to live more freely now without as much worry about what people (mainly my mother and and other judgmental family members) will think. I wanna challenge myself this year in whatever way I see fit.

I'm looking at this year as a year of increase. I just wanna be happy in the life I have right now. I think I'm right where I need to be right now. I know I still have to go through and understand some things before I get to where I wanna be but, he, who doesn't. I'm content. You could even say I'm kinda happy. My aim is to be happier.

What about you?

Until next time...XOXOX!!!!

Does the nice guy have to finish last?

A while ago, I wrote out some of the thoughts that had been tumbling around in my mind. A few of them centered around relationships, both past and present. I guess you can say that I'm in a period of limbo right now. I'm single, free and clear, but I find myself dating one person in particular. I never really did know how to juggle dealing with multiple people at one point in time. I have the freedom to do whatever I like with whomever I like but I choose not to. I"ve been spending a lot of time with this one guy, J. But I don't know where I should go with it. I'll put it this way, I feel like I'm caught in limbo. I'm treading water in the space between rebounding and settling. I don't think I'd be rebounding if I got with this guy but I don't think I'd be totally happy if I got with him right now either. Let me explain...

This whole transition period has been kinda tough for me. It's been about 4 or 5 months since my last relationship fell apart. I was trying to chill out and just play it cool and then this guy comes along. Don't get me wrong, he wasn't the first or the only guy who approached me after I became single again. However, he is the only guy that I gave my number to and actually followed through by accepting calls and occassionally calling myself. To be honest I really wasn't expecting anything to come of it. I thought he'd be a cool dude to maybe get up with every now and again to ease that desire for company of the opposite sex. Like I said, I was just trying to play it cool and chill out. It was easy to feel a little more comfortable with him tho since he grew up with one of my best friends so I guess I kinda looked at him as if he were "safe." Let me explain...

This guy is like one of the best dudes I could ever meet. He's the kind of guy who you think is cute but not necessarily sexy when you first meet him. He's the most respectful guy in the world. He takes his time...FOR REAL. I wasn't used to that. He's majorly sweet and attentive. He wants to spend the time to get to know you as a person before going any further. He's just like the nicest guy in the world... He's the guy that most females think is too nice and wind up tossing aside because the spark just isn't there like it is with the bad boys or the jerks they've been with before. So when I say "safe, " I mean that he's the type of guy that I knew wouldn't hurt me because I probably wouldn't get so wrapped up into him. Sad, but very true sentiments. Back to the story...

So I've been blessed to meet this great guy who seems to really care about me and you have no idea how great that feels. But I have to admit, even tho it makes me feel like a terrible person, sometimes I think I'm falling prey to the mistake that so many girls make: I said I wanted to meet a nice guy, but now that I have I don't know if I like him enough...sometimes I think he's too nice. How retarded is that?

I never thought I was one of those girls who wasn't happy unless they were struggling in a relationship, you know. The last relationship I had was nothing but uncertainty for me. It was a constant struggle trying to figure out where the guy's head was concerning me. With this dude, I know for a fact how he feels. There's no games and really no need for them. He's just honest and upfront about his feelings. But every once in a while I think about how I've felt for people in the past during these beginning phases and, sadly, it's not the same. But I don't understand why. I mean spending time with this dude has made me see how little I expected and demanded in my last relationship. I mean I gave all I had and got maybe 60% or less in return during the good times. I expected only like 45% tho. I know now that my low expectations were a major factor in why things fell apart with him and I. This dude made me realize how sad that is. This dude made me realize that I want more. But what I really wanna know is, "Why am I not sure that I want more with him?" Don't get me wrong, I care about the guy and I love spending time with him but I don't know if I care enough. I never want to make anybody feel like I felt in my past. So let me know your thoughts.

I'm curious to hear the male and female perspective on this one so feel free to comment and leave your 2-cents.

Looking forward in 09'. Until next time...

Jumbled

Salutations and good greetings to one and all.....let me stop, lol. I guess you could say I'm in somewhat of a silly mood today. I just made it to work and I decided I'd write a little something-something. Nothing major but I've been slacking on my posting and my fingers have been missing this keyboard oh so much. So today, I'm just gonna give you a sampling of the thoughts running through my head. Enjoy, my little bloggers and bloggettes!!!

**Can't wait til tomorrow cuz my bestie is coming into town!!!

**I'm so happy I decided to really do this natural thing. Experimentation can be good or the soul.

**It's funny. When you supposedly want to be single, men come out of the woodwoork trying to wife you up.

**Sometimes I wonder if I wanna be single as much as I need to be single...hmmm.

**A purpose driven life...I need to catch up on my reading and discussing.

**Surprise, surprise...I got a phone call from Mr. MIA. I guess he does still remember who I am. Well, he should after 2 years, lol.

**Traveling sounds good right about now. Maybe some place warm.

**I need to take my behind to church.

**I think I need some Me-time but it's hard cuz I like spending time with him and he looks at me like I always wanted the one before him to.

**It's time to start writing again: poetry, short stories, and the start of my novel.

**It's time to be more assertive. I'm gonna go out and get what I want.

That's just a few of the things floating around in this brain of mine. I'll be expanding on these topics shortly so stay tuned and stay blessed.

Until next time... Muahz!!

A Short Thank You: You didn't have to but you did

Well, I just had to take a quick minute to send a loving shout out of praise to the wonderful people in my life who have always made it their business to love me by telling me when I'm right, wrong, backsliding, lying to myself and/others, tripping, denying the truth that may be staring me in the face, being naive, being pessimistic, asking too many damn questions, being too sensitive, thinking too much, dwelling on shyt, and accepting less than what I should of myself or the people I allow into my life.

I just wanna tell you guys, and youall know who you are, that I love you. You didn't have to do it but you did. That swift kick in the ass you guys have given me when I was either thinking too much or not enough has always been all I've needed to bring me back to reality as opposed to the doom and gloom or roses and sweets of the unexamined world I was choosing to live in at the time. The you guys tell me to "Shut up already!!" when I'm asking dumb questions or being too hard on myself is greatly appreciated then, now, and always.

You guys know my strengths and my weaknesses. You know how I will react to certain things and you respond accordingly out sheer "We got ya back" mentalities. You guys are great. Sometimes I say you're mean for keeping it oh so real with me when I don't wanna hear it. Sometimes I get smart or unnaturally quiet. But I always appreciate "the real" that you guys offer without any alterior motives, moans, or groans. I love you guys. You didn't have to take the time to listen or to set me straight when the need arises, but you did. Miss Mangorene, Mz. Queen, and Mr. Maxwell A.K.A. SirReal, to name a few, you guys rock. Thank you for being there when needed and there when just wanted. Friends, real friends that is, are special and rare. I'm holding onto ya'll. Besides, who feels like breaking in new ones.

;-)

Hope and Inspiration

As soon as I woke up this morning I couldn't get this particular song out of my head. John Legend has a song on his newest cd entitled "If You're Out There." It's a beautiful song. Ever since I heard it a couple of days ago I've felt like it was the anthem of this election, this year. The song talks about a generation of people who have been looking for something to believe in, something to stand for and he urges them that the fight is here, "if you're out there."

I am a huge fan of John Legend already. I love the versatility and depth that he displays in his voice. But I've gained a deeper respect for the artist. He along with many others have taken the opportunity that their fame has given them, to inspire the nation's youth and anyone else who wants to listen, to go out and vote. They're using their influence, not necessarily to sway voters to favor Mr. Barack Obama but to make them realize that a voice unheard is a voice wasted. It's amazing how many people have been inspired, on both sides of the political spectrum, through this year's presidential race. It's a blessing in and of itself to see people taking advantage of their rights as they haven't in the past and getting involved with their communities. It's wonderful to see people caring about more than just their own personal little worlds, but this nation as a whole.

It's kind of silly but I feel kinda emotional today. I was talking to my sister last night about the fact that there is a Black man who may be our next president. I'm almost in disbelief. I always thought that this would be the type of thing that I might witness on my deathbed or something. It just seemed like something that was so far off in the distance I could barely fathom it. But today on November 4, 2008 that notion is real. That possibility is damn near tangible it's so strong. Our present, on this day, will be talked about in the history books of high school students in years to come. We're all apart of it too. I'm out there ready to pitch in and I'm starting by voting today. Hope everybody else does too, "f you're out there."


Yes We Can!!!!!

Rude Awakenings...

It's amazing how well you can think you know a person and then be so utterly surprised by their actions. Over this past weekend I came to the conclusion that somebody needs to write a guidebook about how to act around your ex given specific time frames. It's become clear to me that some people are clueless about boundaries and respect. As a result of this special brand of cluelessness, friendships and fond feelings in general can easily be lost.

Maybe some would disagree with me, but I'm not a jealous person. I pride myself on the fact that, while I can be a a very emotional creature, I still know how to respect that reality of life situations I find myself in. Whether I'm immersed in booship (that inbetween stop that offers eclusivity but no official title, been there, done that) or navigating the waters of singledom and dating I know how to accept things simply for what they are even if I may wish for more. With that being said, I'll admit I was a little worried when I found out my ex would be coming into town and possibly attending the same function as myself. I didn't know how it would be to interact with him, face to face, nearly a month after ending our relationship. I didn't know if the friendship we had been trying to build, despite our romantic split would be natural and strong enough to not be vulnerable to the attacks of awkwardness that I feared. And I wondered if I was ready to see him at all, knowing that things were/are still so fresh for me. I put all of these thoughts away and decided to just chill, have a good time, and trust that I wouldn't make it weird since I knew he wouldn't make it weird. He and I even discussed my feelings a few days prior to his arrival and I felt fine. Looking back on it now, I see I was justified in my wonderings and possibly having my first psychic experience, lol.

As I said before, I'm not a jealous person and I know how to respect the boundaries of reality. I'm a firm believer in the saying, "It is what it is. It can't be anything else." So I know and understand that once a relationship is over, both parties are free to do whatever they choose with whomever they choose without having to answer to anybody, including and especially not their ex. However, I also believe in courtesy and mutual respect as well, if not moreso. Basically what I mean by that is, he can do him (as I'm sure he has been doning in his own city), but when you're around me please don't flaunt it this soon in the game. I didn't think I'd have to worry about that with this dude tho. I thought I knew him well enough to know that he would consider my feelings. After all, we are friends, right? Hmmmm....

Well, with everything that I've said, how would any of you feel if your ex came into town only a month after your break-up and posted up with one female for the whole night when his typical M.O. is to just chill and mingle? How would you all feel if while enjoying yourself and dancing you look up and find him grinding on this female as she stands with her back up against the wall? How would you feel if, as they stand directly under a spotlight, displayed for everyone to see, you notice that he's dancing with her the way he used to only dance with you, or so you thought? How would you all feel if he allowed her to lead him by the hand to the coatcheck and affectionately hold him while he got her jacket? How would you feel if he gave your mutual homegirl that was standing right by you a hug and then moved to walk away all together, not even acknowledging your existence? How would you feel if they left together, in your city only one month after it would've been you?

I don't know about you guys, but I felt disrespected. Like I said, he's free to do him. What I don't understand, what hurt is the fact that he felt the need or the desire to be so blatant about it. This is my city!! He doesn not live here. Why??!! I mean, if I ever doubted the love he still claims to have felt/feel, I definitely do now. Care doesn't just go away that easily. I know men and women are different in how they deal with things, but damn. There's not that much difference in the world to explain the 180 degree shift I witnessed in him that night. I was purely shocked. I never would've imagined he would act like that. Never. I've always prided myself on being a pretty even combination of a helpless romantic and a realist. I thought the helpless romantic in me would help me continue to believe in love without becoming jaded or bitter by the wrongs committed against me by my past or future lovers, while the realist in me would enable me to remain capable of seeing my lovers and my relationships as they truly are, without rose-colored glasses. I see now, that the helpless romantic in me overpowered the realist as related to this guy I once considered to be so special. I see now, he is just an average guy who I tried to cast in the role of a superman. It's hilarious but I actually used to call him my own personal superhero, nicknaming him Super Mir Man. What a joke.

I guess I just wonder how a person can become so detached from their supposedly deep and true feelings of love for another. On second thought, it doesn't make me wonder because I know that that's not possible. I know deep inside that the lack of care, respect, thought, or consideration of my feelings he displayed was the result of emotional disconnection from me that happened a loooooooonnngggg time ago. I know that now and it's funny to me. I mean, people never really recognize what they have in front of them. And even tho we're not together, I still look out for him. I will never talk bad about him because there's a reason why I loved/love him. Nobody knows the circumstances of our break-up besides a few very close friends of mine. I still wish him nothing but the best in life, for him to be truly happy. It's amazing what I get in return.

So Friday, October 24, 2008 marked the end of a friendship that spanned about 5 years, and a romantic encounter that lasted for almost 2. "...It was good seeing you and have a nice life. Ok, bye," are the words I left on his voicemail that night and I meant them. No relationship, whether friendly or romantic, can survive when the foundation is questionable. This past weekend called every experience, thought, and belief I've had about or heard from this man. I don't need that in my life. The lesson is learned.