I'm just wondering today.....
Is it possible to feel a number of emotions truly and simultaneously. I'm not talking about emotions that are often considered related to each other like happiness and excitement. I mean emotions that represent opposing sides of the spectrum of feelings. Can you love and hate at the exact same time, with the exact same intensity. Yesterday I thought that I had answered that question; my conclusion was a definite "Yes." Today, with clarity of mind and heart, I can say with conviction that that really isn't the case.
Yesterday I had an epiphany of sorts. I allowed myself to experience the range of emotions that I need to release due to the loss of something that I still hold dear. I've experienced break-ups before: 2 to be exact. But I've never been affected by them quite like this. Typically when I feel like I'm not satisfied with the end result of some endeavor of mine, but there's nothing I can do about it, I resort to this "It's whatever. Oh well," type of attitude. Unsuccessfully to anybody who knows me, I try to front like I don't care. I try to block myself off from my feelings so I don't appear stupid or foolish (my biggest fears) for being naked and vulnerable. This never works. My girl Queen recently called me on this practice, too.
It's amazing how complicated people can be. I am simultaneously a very guarded person who also wears her emotions on her sleeves. How is that possible? How can a person try so hard to protect themselves from judgment, yet, be so exposed to and defenseless against it? It's not healthy and it doesn't seem possible.
I'm realizing that the front I put up in everyday life is very much like the fake "I don't care" attitude I put up emotionally when I feel powerless and hurt. You can't care and not care at the same time just like you can't love and hate at the same time. One will always cancel out the other and usually one is just a front to ignore the other. For me, the positive will always cancel out the negative. I will always care even when I don't want to. I will always love even when I'm justified to hate. There will be anger. But in the end, that passes as the wound heals. But love...honest to goodness love...never goes away, it just changes as people grow and transform themselves. Hate and love cannot exist simultaneously. One will always triumph over the other. But when you finally find acceptance and forgiveness, of yourself and whoever else, there's no room for hate. It has no place.
I had an intensely emotional experience yesterday afternoon while talking to a dear friend of mine. All of a sudden I felt this overwhelming sense of sadness. It was so thick that I felt a little heavier than before. Then, as I talked about how I felt to my friend, my emotions turned to anger. They strengthened considerably. I stopped denying how stupid I felt. I stopped trying to convince myself that maybe he feels this way and that. Or maybe this is why that or this happened. I allowed myself to accept the fact that maybe I just wasn't enough. Strike that, maybe I'm not enough (present tense, since this is by no means the past). As much as I have to offer, as much as I gave, maybe it isn't enough . That hurt most of all. That defeated feeling that I hate above all else crept in and made me angrier. I felt shaken like never before and that shyt pissed me off. I felt foolish for even caring what he thinks or how he feels. "You guys are not together so get over it!! He has!!" I kept telling myself. Once again I tried to take that anger and use it as a barrier between me and my love, my care. I wanted to hate so that I wouldn't love. I wanted to say whatever so that the care would disappear. It doesn't work that way.
I broke down and cried the tears that had been building up in my chest, making it harder to breath easily and laugh with abandon. I cried openly, alone in my house on that sunny afternoon as the clouds outside emptied the same wetness as my eyes. I let it go and I accepted it.
My good friend told me that everybody goes through things like this. He said that it's a life lesson, growing pains. After he said that I told him to go fuck himself because I wasn't ready to have my pain generalized and lumped in with the rest of society. Now I understand. He's right. It's a lesson in how to deal with pain and heartache. It's teaching me how to be real with myself so I don't have to front for him or anybody else. It's making me stronger. My love will always be there. It's a non-refundable gift just like my care. But regardless, life goes on. I'm still me whether other people recognize it when I want them to or not. It's not whatever, but it is what it is and I'm all right with that.
Until next time...
Yesterday I had an epiphany of sorts. I allowed myself to experience the range of emotions that I need to release due to the loss of something that I still hold dear. I've experienced break-ups before: 2 to be exact. But I've never been affected by them quite like this. Typically when I feel like I'm not satisfied with the end result of some endeavor of mine, but there's nothing I can do about it, I resort to this "It's whatever. Oh well," type of attitude. Unsuccessfully to anybody who knows me, I try to front like I don't care. I try to block myself off from my feelings so I don't appear stupid or foolish (my biggest fears) for being naked and vulnerable. This never works. My girl Queen recently called me on this practice, too.
It's amazing how complicated people can be. I am simultaneously a very guarded person who also wears her emotions on her sleeves. How is that possible? How can a person try so hard to protect themselves from judgment, yet, be so exposed to and defenseless against it? It's not healthy and it doesn't seem possible.
I'm realizing that the front I put up in everyday life is very much like the fake "I don't care" attitude I put up emotionally when I feel powerless and hurt. You can't care and not care at the same time just like you can't love and hate at the same time. One will always cancel out the other and usually one is just a front to ignore the other. For me, the positive will always cancel out the negative. I will always care even when I don't want to. I will always love even when I'm justified to hate. There will be anger. But in the end, that passes as the wound heals. But love...honest to goodness love...never goes away, it just changes as people grow and transform themselves. Hate and love cannot exist simultaneously. One will always triumph over the other. But when you finally find acceptance and forgiveness, of yourself and whoever else, there's no room for hate. It has no place.
I had an intensely emotional experience yesterday afternoon while talking to a dear friend of mine. All of a sudden I felt this overwhelming sense of sadness. It was so thick that I felt a little heavier than before. Then, as I talked about how I felt to my friend, my emotions turned to anger. They strengthened considerably. I stopped denying how stupid I felt. I stopped trying to convince myself that maybe he feels this way and that. Or maybe this is why that or this happened. I allowed myself to accept the fact that maybe I just wasn't enough. Strike that, maybe I'm not enough (present tense, since this is by no means the past). As much as I have to offer, as much as I gave, maybe it isn't enough . That hurt most of all. That defeated feeling that I hate above all else crept in and made me angrier. I felt shaken like never before and that shyt pissed me off. I felt foolish for even caring what he thinks or how he feels. "You guys are not together so get over it!! He has!!" I kept telling myself. Once again I tried to take that anger and use it as a barrier between me and my love, my care. I wanted to hate so that I wouldn't love. I wanted to say whatever so that the care would disappear. It doesn't work that way.
I broke down and cried the tears that had been building up in my chest, making it harder to breath easily and laugh with abandon. I cried openly, alone in my house on that sunny afternoon as the clouds outside emptied the same wetness as my eyes. I let it go and I accepted it.
My good friend told me that everybody goes through things like this. He said that it's a life lesson, growing pains. After he said that I told him to go fuck himself because I wasn't ready to have my pain generalized and lumped in with the rest of society. Now I understand. He's right. It's a lesson in how to deal with pain and heartache. It's teaching me how to be real with myself so I don't have to front for him or anybody else. It's making me stronger. My love will always be there. It's a non-refundable gift just like my care. But regardless, life goes on. I'm still me whether other people recognize it when I want them to or not. It's not whatever, but it is what it is and I'm all right with that.
Until next time...
3 comments:
First let me point out that I feel very privileged to be mentioned within this blog : )Secondly let me point out that you are right: that "ITS WHATEVER" shit you do don't work. Lol. But third let me say that I admire you and your strength because you are going through something similar to what I am (you know what it is)and in the way that you have come to the conclusion that it is what it is and have not only learned to accept the truth of the situation, but to also be 100 percent real with yourself is the best gift you could have given YOURSELF. Stay strong girl and know that I ALWAYS got you! From one Queen to another, I love you.
haha!!! u crack me up whit! r u writing a blog or a book...you got a little poetic-y there...but it's cool. glad that you're coming to grips with ur feelings. and YES! Markia said it! STOP WITH THAT WHATEVER SHIT!!!! JUST STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT! lol...i know i say I don't care or whatever, but half the time I mean the shit (except with u know who). but although I can't really empathize with you cause I thought old boy was a dirt bag from jump, i'm still here for you!
Girl, I'm finding out that everybody I know felt that way about him except stupid old me. Oh well. Everything comes to light eventually.
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